Well it’s finally here. It seems an eternity since the launch show. I’ve been waiting longer for this than Holly Valance has been waiting to be given the all clear for a second album. It has taken FOREVER. But alas, it is here. New opening titles (heart spasm) the familiar sounds from the in house band and Bruce & Tess still more hopeless than ever.
Night one saw Tess branch out and wrap a purple bed sheet around herself and pass it off as something a la mode. She failed. I honestly fail to see how stylists can make someone as annoying beautiful as her look so bloody awful. She is wearing a mattress cover WITH in-built wings. Bruce is still Bruce, yet I expect the addition of the “Sir” was made with more than a little force from the octogenarian.
New issues: Have they scrapped Bruce and Tess dancing DOWN the staircase? Did they NOT do that last year? Do the words Bruce and staircase in a sentence immediately alert health and safety?
Oh, yes and there was dancing. Or rather “dancing”. Before I dissect the performances I’ll say that my general initial thoughts are dissapointment. No one made my heart beat faster like Kara and Matt did in week 1 last year. No one reminded me of why I love dance and my favourite dance is the Cha Cha for goodness sake!
Okay, rant over as the first seven victims prepare themselves for their public maiming. General staircase observations: They’ve found Holly’s waist, Lulu needs a costume that can accommodate a bra, Robbie looks like a rather effeminate yob you might find on a street corner with his “ooh scary” hooded jacket but not so scary fake tan and flowing golden locks and among those looking pleased to be here are Nancy and Audley.
First up are Holly and Artem and Holly looks so sick with nerves there is a real chance there’s a strategically placed bucket in the Tess pit area. Cue VT which roughly explained, “Neighbours, Kiss Kiss, Artem’s hot and goes out with Kara, Artem’s taking the “hard man” approach probably out of fear of losing a girlfriend. Cue shots of Holly looking stressed.”
First observation is that Holly reminds me of all the bad elements in Alesha’s dancing, bent legs and heavy placement of footwork. Her arms are quite nice and well placed and although she just about stays in time with the music Artem always looks like he’s moving a bit faster than her. Don’t get me wrong I did compare her to ALESHA OF DIXON – I think the girl has potential, it may just take until week 4967 for her to blow me away. A fair score of 28/30.
Next up, the Don Warrington award for “who the fuck are you?” Dan Lobb and Katya Virshilas. Katya seems to have adopted a bit of a Erin/Camilla persona this year. I think she wants to be all “ice queen” when really Kat, you’re a bit of a softie so give it up, love and just be your lovely self. She’s also gone to the Aliona Vilani school of Pointless Props. DON’T DO IT, KAT. It’s not in me to be able to support a Daybreak presenter but Dan looks very fetching in his tales with his little rose and does look to be trying very hard. This isn’t too bad at all and manages to fall under the “vaguely charming for week 1” category. His frame and posture need work but his footwork is coming along nicely. I fear for his Latin all being a bit Peter Schmeichel though. Another fair score of 24/40.
We-e-e-e-e-e-eeeeeeeyyyl. Yeah, that’s right. It took only 0.1637 seconds for that familar screech to rear it’s ugly head in Lulu’s segment of the launch show. Word on the street was that her dancing might give us something to “shout” about though. (I’m sorry)
Okay … okay … unsteady start, but it’s just nerves … oh GOD it’s getting worse. OH MY GOD THEY HAVE ACTUALLY STOPPED DANCING … but attempted to carry on. Oh, and please don’t aimlessly shimmy at the judges … No, No, No. HOW CAN ANYONE BE THIS BAD? Correction: How can anyone who’s had such a successful career in showbiz be this bad? (Vikki’s theory is that she’s still scared of Brendan … Mwahahahaha.) Score: 17/20
Watch if you dare:
Well this is all going remarkable averagely. Can anyone restore my faith in humanity? Weill it’s ain’t gonna be Audley Harrison and Natalie Lowe that’s for sure. Audley’s a big star, you know. Audley said so himsely, “I’m the biggest star who’s been on this show”. Now, let’s just get this straight Mr Harrison, you were slightly famous for punching people ELEVEN YEARS AGO. (Vikki was brought up in a very middle class household which promotes the belief that boxing is not a proper sport along with clay pigeon shooting) Poor Natalie, I’ve waited three years now to actually like a partner she’s had and it’s not happening this year. Audley’s “Waltz” seems to consist of s series of drags. Poor Natalie. She covers up his numerous flaws well. He is still, his frame isn’t great and he fails he create any sense of performance. Audley thinks it’s all gone very well though because he’s mega famous. His Salsa is going to be all types of cringe. Score: 20/40
God, is it nearly over yet? Ah, that’s better Robbie Savage and Ola. (Insert many lovehearts here.) Or as Tess STILL insists “OH-LAH”. You big Northern chav. Ignoring the fact the dance is a technical nightmare at least it has some attack and a bit of gusto. Squint a bit and you’d think Kenny Logan was back. (Ahhhh, sigh, *love*) Robbie wants to be good so badly, almost as badly as his adorable little “BAD BOY” hoodie. Ola enforces some very well placed choreography to protect exposing his technical faults too much and looks stunning in the process. (My ode of Ola soon to be found on another blog somewhere.) I want to say he’ll improve but I don’t know if he will, there’s no real dance potential there. I’m holding out hopes for the ballroom to change my mind. Score: 19/40
Come on everyone, we’re nearly there now and thankfully the best two dances are saved until last. Keep those eyes open now. It’s nearly time for Fiona Bruce wearing a new jacket on the 10 o’clock news too. WE CAN DO THIS.
Anita Dobson and Robin Windsor. Anita is fast emerging as my favourite celeb along with Alex Jones. She is adorable and I fall in love with every VT I see her in. Anyone who still seems so genuinely enthusiastic about being married to Brian May after 11 years gets my vote. She appears a little frail in rehearsals, rehearse outside on a windy day and she’d probably fall over. She seems to possess an inherent musicality though and from the opening two bars I confidently announcing to the room that this was the best so far. Shame the score didn’t demonstrate this. Lord Brian of May looks pleased with the whole affair too. The world exhaled in relief. But genuinely she is going to be a beautiful dancer with great technique is Robin does his job properly. I just hope she’s not another Cherie Lunghi in the Latin. Score: 28/40. Should have been at least 30, I think.
LAST ONE AND THEN YOU CAN ALL GO HOME. But what a way to end. Russell Grant and Flavia Cacace. They’re my mum’s favourite and this sort of sum’s up their attraction. Imagine, right, Ann Widdecombe but as a NICE person, and then Ann Widdecombe but as someone who can actually dance, and then imagine Ann as a man … a very gay man and you’re getting close. The Cha Cha was totally wonderful. I didn’t see Russell execute a single step incorrectly. Everything was there but smothered in camp. My levels of love for Flavia were already bordering on obsessive before SCD9 but my respect for her choreography and embracing the sheer madness of a performance with Russel has sent my respect off the scale. Go Flav. Score: 21/40
With Russell ending the show on such a high, my disappointment of the first seven was temporarily masked but I had hoped for far more. Would the second seven convince me that this was going to be anything but a VERY long three month run up to Christmas?
Thank you for reading xxxx